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A Modern Technology for Pleasurable, Lasting Peer Relationships

PAIRS is a modern technology adapted to our rapidly changing society on behalf of creating a saner, safer more loving world. PAIRS began as a 120-hour,semester long college graduate course at American University and eventually evolved into advanced professional training to give family therapists, social workers, counselors, and other mental health professionals the best tools to help couples and families succeed.

From 2006-2010, research funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services involving thousands of singles and couples from diverse backgrounds and stages of relationship demonstrated that as little as nine hours of experience in PAIRS made a significant difference to the lives and quality of relationship for the far majority of participants. At the same time, the research showed these results were consistent whether classes were taught by educators, clergy, behavioral health professionals and lay leaders as long as they closely followed PAIRS proprietary teaching approach.

From 2010 to 2017, PAIRS continued to rapidly expand both its impact and experience through programming significantly focused on military, veteran and very low-income singles and couples. These classes were most often delivered by chaplains, behavioral health specialists, and para-professionals who completed 32 hours of PAIRS Professional Training.

Decades of global experience has shown that PAIRS works because the model is based on teaching people the skills to find their own answers and practical, usable tools that offer the best opportunity to successfully navigate the challenges of modern relationships. More often than not, relationships today are very different from the family relationships of previous generations.

Modernization has shifted the primary function of marriage from providing security, stability, and raising children to developing a lifetime of love and intimacy. In previous generations successful marriages depended upon duty and role competence. Resilient modern marriages require greater interpersonal competence as well as equality between partners in peer relationships. Relationships are sought that not only create stable families but also provide partners with a lifetime of love and companionship.

Sustaining a pleasurable intimate relationship does not work by magic or happen by accident. It depends upon a set of skills and understanding that can be learned. We learned most of what we know about intimate relationships through our early experiences in our families. Our personal history has a great deal of influence on what happens in our current relationships - on our behavior, our feelings, our expectations. We can change these influences if we become aware of them and wish to. It is well worthwhile to sort through what we inherited, keeping what fits for today and changing what does not.

PAIRS provides a comprehensive system to enhance self-knowledge and develop the ability to sustain pleasurable interpersonal and intimate relationships. PAIRS innovative approach integrates a wide range of theories and methods from psychology, education and psychotherapy and presents them in an educational format. PAIRS acts to bridge therapy, marital enrichment, and marriage and family development.

Research-Validated for Diverse Populations

Programs for the public are led by PAIRS Coaches and Consultants trained according to rigorous processes developed by PAIRS Foundation and accredited by Purpose Built Families Foundation, the organization that officially oversees PAIRS programs, products and licensing worldwide.

PAIRS has been research-validated as being effective in all populations for which it has been adapted. PAIRS has relationship skills training programs for children and youth, PAIRS for PEERS, that are taught in schools, churches and community organizations. PAIRS has programs for the military, providing critical support for active duty, guard and veteran families impacted by deployment; classes are facilitated by chaplains, counselors, case managers, and others. PAIRS serves disadvantaged youth, unmarried couples, adoptive families, singles, prison parolees, the homeless, formerly homeless, and others who can benefit from relationship skills training.

Three Areas of Competency for Successful Relationships

PAIRS competencies are specific skills that you will learn from PAIRS. These competencies focus on three areas:

  • Emotional literacy;
  • Conjoint partner skills for building and maintaining intimacy;
  • Practical knowledge, strategies and attitudes for sustaining positive marriage and family life.

The goal of PAIRS is a relationship that both partners can live with joyfully. For this to happen, each partner must become able to identify his or her own feelings and needs, and learn to communicate them in such a way that they can get met. This means communicating one's needs and desires without making the other person feel resentful, smothered, burdened, manipulated, or inadequate. Easily and fully meeting each others' needs is the foundation of intimacy, fulfillment, and happiness.

PAIRS coaches offer specific, easily learnable tools for successful communication such as confiding, complaining, and clarifying and for effective problem solving such as managing anger, expressing anger safely, fighting fairly for change and eliminating dirty fighting. Coaches also guide the vast deepening of self-knowledge and emotional literacy.

The PAIRS approach addresses relationship pleasure and satisfaction by teaching skills to enhance bonding, sensuality and sexuality in marriage. The program is built upon a profound but simple model, the Relationship Roadmap, to understand relationship success and to understand relationship mishaps and know what to do about them.

The full PAIRS curriculum includes more than 60 skills that become the participants' tool box for ongoing relationship maintenance.